I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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