do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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