hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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