I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dignity is for republicans.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
