I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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