i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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