fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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