What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
