Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
