I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
