whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize