He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
