the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize