areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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