I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
