dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
