She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
