remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
