I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
