I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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