I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
