The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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