If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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