The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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