I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this boner is exhausting
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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