yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
