I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
