i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
