I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
