my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
