I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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