Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
