Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
