i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
