Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
