and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
