The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
