if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
