Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dignity is for republicans.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
