She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
