I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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