life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
