This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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