Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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