Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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