I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
In other news, I just burned my penis
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
jump out the window naked night went bad
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