I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
