Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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