I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
