Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
