so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
