You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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