I look better un-naked...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
