You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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