I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You smell like stripper and shame
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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