I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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