Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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