We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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